[SATIRE]

Yankees prospect Jake Sanford was promoted to fan yesterday amid a scandal involving theft of teammates’ gear, as well as fraudulent memorabilia sales to fans. While the 24-year-old undoubtedly had planned to make a career out of playing baseball, we are pleased to report that he has announced his plans for the next phase in his life. Sanford said Thursday morning that he had been in contact with Lennay Kekua, famed ex-girlfriend of Manti Te’o, and that they were planning to open an auction house together.

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“It was a tough break.” Sanford admitted to Reality Circuit reporters. “But Lennay synergizes really well with my line of products, she’s unreal.”

One of Sanford and Kekua’s first customers, pictured holding the merchandise ordered through their online store

While the brick and mortar location is not set to open for another few months, Sanford has continued to build capital with online sales.  

When asked about the community response and customer feedback, Sanford replied “I’ve been hearing from a lot of our buyers that they literally can’t believe their eyes when they open the box.”

Although Sanford’s online sales have raised money for the store’s construction, he has not neglected other avenues of funding either. SEC filings indicate he has worked out financing with investors who say Sanford’s vision aligns with theirs, including former corporate raider Paul Bilzerian and ex-Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling. While neither could be reached for comment, sources close to Bilzerian say that he considers Sanford to be “like a son to him.”

While Sanford seems invigorated and committed to the memorabilia business, he made sure to mention that there was still interest in his skills at the MLB level.

“The Astros did reach out after I was cut, it’s true. They wanted to know if I had anything on the Yankees’ signs that I would be willing to sell. [Chuckles] I don’t, of course, but that’s never stopped me before! I told them I would treat them as I would any customer, and that’s the Sanford Promise!”

Reality Circuit is encouraged to report that Jake Sanford seems to have settled in, and we are eager to check back in with him once the permanent location is up and ready.

Kekua could not be reached for comment.

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