Authoritarian Countries Suck At Hyping Up Their Military

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Last night while browsing Twitter – looking for my nightly dose of brain cell loss-inducing content, I found it in an unexpected form. It was a video from the state run Chinese publication People’s Daily titled, “This is the incredibly strong soldier morale of China’s PLA. They fear nothing “. What was it may you ask? A couple Chinese military dudes jumping into a hole filled with water while running like they have rocks in their pockets. I’m dead serious, this is straight up what it was.

The replies were mostly just roasting the video and making memes. Personally, I didn’t have any time to laugh. Now that I know that the Chinese military has soldiers who can jump in to a hole then, run ten yards – all in under 120 seconds – is just scary as hell to me man. It isn’t a laughing matter.

On the real though, this kind of thing is truly bizarre and seems to happen on the regular. Authoritarian countries have a habit of releasing videos of their military yelling while doing basic exercises as if it’s supposed to be scary. I get that it’s meant to intimidate people who live in poverty and don’t have internet access, but is it scary to even them? What exactly is scary about a guy yelling while jumping into a hole?

It really does seem as though the Chinese Communists haven’t upgraded their tactics since the Mao era sometimes.

China isn’t the only country to release this kind of thing though. Venezuela released an even goofier one a couple months back. Made with the intention of striking fear into the hearts of U.S. marines, Venezuela’s masterpiece was heavier on the yelling and quicker in pace. For a good two minutes it is nothing more than three soldiers jogging in place, running around and then finally, randomly spraying their rifles. They do this while yelling and screaming for literally the entire time.

I could link the regular version, but I’ll choose one with the Benny Hill theme.

On one hand, the Venezuelan military is wise to plan on fighting actual soldiers. If somebody figures out why China is planning for the pothole invasion, please let me know. But still, Venezuela’s video is also straight garbage. These guys seem like they’re prepping for World War 1 while the U.S. military has the world’s largest and second largest air-forces (the Naval air-force). One gunship and….. that’s barbecue chicken Ernie.

What exactly are these dictators going for with this military hype-up strategy? The U.S. is gonna spend in a month what they spend in a year, so you’d figure the entire budget would be used wisely, right? Nope. Authoritarian countries seem intent to release these high-school project tier videos as if it’s 1930.

You guys really need to get with the times.

But as shitty as these videos are, nothing will ever top the ISIS training video. The link below is a former Navy Seal critiquing it, so you’re good U.K. bros. Just make sure you have your YouTube license….

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