Today is the Fourth of July – which probably means your timeline is filled with douchebags using their 81 year old war vet grandpa for Twitter buzz. You can also be sure to find some guy wearing an American flag t-shirt complaining about how people don’t respect the flag. But all jokes aside, who doesn’t love the Fourth of July and who doesn’t love America? Well, maybe some chick who goes to Georgetown on her parents’ dime and thinks she’s oppressed hates America, but normal people don’t. If you love America, then you love today too. It’s a day where we all get drunk off of imported Mexican beer while we watch fireworks that were made in China. What’s more American than that?
Of course, this July 4th is special because the birds are reigning Super Bowl champions. It’s insanely fitting considering the bald eagle is such an American icon and it got me thinking; how come the Eagles aren’t called “America’s team”? Philly has the history, the passion and now we have the success to go along with it. How come when people say “America’s team” they aren’t talking about the Eagles?
We all know that a certain dumpster fire organization in Dallas likes to claim that title for themselves, but have we ever asked ourselves how little sense that makes? My entire lifetime the Cowboys have done nothing but choke in the playoffs and underachieve. How can a club be “America’s team” when they can’t even win? America has no time for losers, we only win and we win bigly. The Eagles won biglier than anyone else and they did it as underdogs. What’s more American than underdogs?
On top of that, we’ve gotta mention just how American “big balls” Doug Pederson is. The guy came in without much fanfare and was called “the least qualified coach in NFL history” by a certain clown who isn’t even worth mentioning. He defied the odds, he doesn’t believe in field goals or punting and he got this city our much deserved championship. Doug Pederson is an American icon who, dare I say, deserves a spot on Mt. Rushmore. Yeah I know he’s not a president (yet), but if anyone deserves an exception its Doug. As for the head coach of the Cowboys? He’s nothing but a yes man who’s constantly on the verge of being fired. Which leads me to my last point….
The Cowboys are a monarchy and Jerry Jones is a modern King George III. Us Americans don’t like monarchies. I mean, the whole reason we’re celebrating today is because we hate monarchies. How are we going to call a team that is ruled by a tyrant like Jerry Jones “America’s team”? All decisions go through him, they don’t have a system of checks and balances like we have with Howie, Doug and Jeffery Lurie. Not to mention all the upstanding citizens the Cowboys have employed over the years like Greg Hardy and Zeke Elliot. The Cowboys beat women while the Eagles beat football dynasties and have players donate their salaries to charity. Nah, the Cowboys are far from “America’s team”.
So let’s claim this title for ourselves. After all, America started in Philadelphia 242 years ago today. Texas has only been a state since the mid 1800’s and they even rebelled against this country. It’s time for “America’s team” to be a true, red blooded American organization: the (Super Bowl champion) Philadelphia Eagles.